chasing diamonds.

change can happen in different ways.

sometimes it creeps up on you, other times it comes as an in-your-face surprise. sometimes it changes your life completely, other times you don't see it in effect until you step back and look at the bigger picture.

but it is always happening, slowly but surely.

if there's anything i've learned over the past few months, it is to squash any inkling of hope that arises. i believe in nurturing dreams and living positively, but to be realistic of what i am and am not capable of is... well, being realistic.

the pot of gold will always be there. right now i'm just soaking in the beauty of the rainbow.

i am where i want to be. not completely... but it will do, for now at least.

and while i know there will eventually be desires to be fulfilled, i can honestly say without a question of doubt that i am happy, i am fine and there isn't much i would want to change. for now, at least.

i'm not lonely - i'm too preoccupied to be. while it may not be healthy in the bigger sense, i am learning to create a barrier between emotional and physical without allowing opportunity for collision. it isn't as hard as i'd thought, or maybe i'm just too stubborn to acknowledge the possibilities and what-ifs.

i can't help but wonder though, what if it's different this time. what if we could. maybe i wouldn't run from it. maybe i wouldn't have to. maybe the world and everything i live for in it would stand still for once.

what you can't have, you always want more. such is the fundamental in the economics of love, or something like it.