contemplation.

cheers to all the things i thought i knew, what i used to believe in & to the unknown.

it may not be the life.... but it is life.


here's to the night we felt alive
here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
here's to goodbye
tomorrow's gonna come too soon

here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

shoulda, woulda, coulda.

letting go of a good thing may not be a wise move, but how could i have given my word without fully knowing that i will keep to it?

so here i am thinking about what could have been... and how everything has been since that first night.

you made me laugh a little louder, smile a little brighter
you made me feel like it was possible to do this all over again
you looked right through me and saw me for what i was, the way no man has in a long time

you made me realise that it isn't always about physical attraction but the warm fuzziness of companionship... the one thing that i still miss every now & then.

it was a genuine form of happiness
somehow, someway you managed to break past the barrier... or maybe i allowed you to.

but what's not meant to be will not be...
i couldn't give you what you asked of me and i had to watch you go.

you didn't say a word as you walked out the door. did you at least turn & look?

"we can't all be like you. some of us are and always will be a little messed up."


i will only allow myself this much time & space to feel like this.

then i will pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with life.

don't let it happen again.

food for thought.

the lady from the cafe next door had an unusual piece of advice for me this afternoon:

"be careful because he's married... you never know what might happen."

peter pan.

growing older doesn't necessarily mean growing wiser,
but it sure is tough all the same.

fact or fiction?

she didn't know his last name but it didn't matter.

she didn't know where he worked other than that he was a lawyer/accountant ("lawcountant" was the term she used so she wouldn't forget) and that he was a very busy professional who lived in Sydney and flew to places across Australia for work.

she didn't know anything about his personal life but that was okay; he didn't know much about hers either.

when he had called her earlier that evening she knew she just had to put a face to the name and voice. she wasn't desperate, just curious.

it was her first time seeing the insides of Crown Towers where he was putting up for the night - luxury she could only dream of being able to afford.

she noticed little things about the room and him - his CK boxers, his expensive looking cufflinks, the Herringbone shopping bag on the dresser ("i had to run out and buy a new shirt because i didn't expect to be staying the night"), polished black shoes.

he was not spectacular in bed. in fact, she thought the sex was bad... really bad. he blamed his inability to perform well on the fact that he had an insanely early start that morning with a flight to catch to Melbourne, where he was on the go for the rest of the day.

later, they ordered room service and lay in bed talking. he asked her a few questions, nothing too personal. she answered as truthfully as she could.

it was getting late and they both had to be up early the next morning. as she put her clothes on, he pulled out $50 from his wallet and placed it on the desk - "take a cab home, i'll pay."

her place was only a 15-minute walk away, so she pocketed the money and walked home instead.

still looking.

it was fun for awhile
there was no way of knowing
like a dream in the night
who can say where we're going

no care in the world
maybe i'm learning
why the sea on the tide
has no way of turning

more than this - you know there is nothing

peace of mind.

i love waking up in the morning to the city sounds and looking out of my window at the city sights.

i love saturday mornings.

the sun is out; it will be another fantastic day.

what goes on in the bedroom...

i was listening to a segment on the radio this morning about how an alarmingly large number of women in long term relationships want sex more than their male counterparts.

female listeners started calling in and admitting that it was, in fact, them who were horny most of the time and that they were sick of the old "i'm too tired" excuse.

i'm sure aussie men all over the country who were listening in must be rubbing their ears and going, "WHAT?!"

so boys, please be nice and give your ladies some.

keeping busy... & then some.

S once told me that blog posts are scarce when life is peachy keen, and i completely agree.

i'm not one for cheesy cliches, but seriously... if this is the top of the world then i'd love to see what outer space looks like!

***

someone asked me, "how do you keep up?"

i don't know... i just do.

carpe diem.

there's something very liberating about it; it is an inner sense of freedom that is too complex for an explanation. like doing your laundry at 2am or having wine for breakfast... just because you can.

this is what i have to do, this is where i need to be.

no looking back, no regrets, no what-ifs - because i'm over it all.

i just want to live.
and boy, it sure is one heck of a life ;)

***

my day in a nutshell (not that anyone cares, or should care):

7.00am - good morning sunshine

8.15am - there's something about walking past a group of construction men and receiving appreciative glances that makes you feel a little better about yourself :)

9.00am - time to get down to business in the office... awaiting coffee buzz to kick in

12.00pm - lunchtime! what to eat today?

1.30pm - finally, a chance to duck out of the office for a conference with one of our partners at their office. a quick coffee & chat with the channel account manager afterwards, he is pretty cute but has an eye-twitching habit (just one of the things i notice)

3.30pm - back in the office with more tasks to follow up on before COB... zzz

4.30pm - OMG EARTHQUAKE! according to a colleague, "it felt like Keith [one of the bigger sized blokes in the office] was running up the stairs."

5.30 pm - done for the day!

6.30pm - unleashing the inner beast at Body Combat ;)

8.00pm - dinner with G & A at Oriental Tea House. who says you can't have yum cha for dinner?

9.15pm - home at last


and tomorrow i will do it all over again but it won't be completely the same, because it hardly ever is.

but now... time for bed!
goodnight world :) xx

valentine, schmalentine.

it's been years since i had to spend valentine's day as a single.

for once i don't have to agonize over hundreds of outfits, different makeup looks, presents and a place to have THE perfect romantic dinner.

for once i can do whatever i want, wherever i want, however i want... and whoever i want to do it with ;)

no headaches, no worries, no fuss.

the view has never looked so good from here.

chasing diamonds.

change can happen in different ways.

sometimes it creeps up on you, other times it comes as an in-your-face surprise. sometimes it changes your life completely, other times you don't see it in effect until you step back and look at the bigger picture.

but it is always happening, slowly but surely.

if there's anything i've learned over the past few months, it is to squash any inkling of hope that arises. i believe in nurturing dreams and living positively, but to be realistic of what i am and am not capable of is... well, being realistic.

the pot of gold will always be there. right now i'm just soaking in the beauty of the rainbow.

i am where i want to be. not completely... but it will do, for now at least.

and while i know there will eventually be desires to be fulfilled, i can honestly say without a question of doubt that i am happy, i am fine and there isn't much i would want to change. for now, at least.

i'm not lonely - i'm too preoccupied to be. while it may not be healthy in the bigger sense, i am learning to create a barrier between emotional and physical without allowing opportunity for collision. it isn't as hard as i'd thought, or maybe i'm just too stubborn to acknowledge the possibilities and what-ifs.

i can't help but wonder though, what if it's different this time. what if we could. maybe i wouldn't run from it. maybe i wouldn't have to. maybe the world and everything i live for in it would stand still for once.

what you can't have, you always want more. such is the fundamental in the economics of love, or something like it.

alive & kicking.

the hiatus is over.

time to get down to it.

i'm back, bitches.


it would be way too hard to sum it all up.

the trips to various places, the new & old experiences, returning to something so familiar yet completely different, the ups & downs and the good & bad...

all in one month.

who would have thought, that by letting go of something i would gain not one, but a few new somethings.

i can't believe it myself... but i'm more excited than anything else, to see what's next.

i think i'm ready.