& the world keeps spinning.

my thoughts on Gossip Girl S02E05:

i love Blair Waldorf. she may be a conniving, judgmental, insecure, manipulative bitch... but that doesn't make her any less than 100 kinds of awesomeness. the girl is so hot, she'd freeze hell over with her mere presence.

Chuck's attempted conversation with his dad over the phone (my fave scene!) brought out a vulnerable side of him that i'm dying to see more of. that sneer he does can only be described in 2 words: tres sexy.

i usually like Serena but i found her really irksome in this episode. maybe it's just my biased opinion getting in the way here, since i'm on Team Waldorf through and through.

Dan is snoozeworthy. give me the 90210 boys any day - i'd take them all to Walmart... in a figurative sense, of course ;)



one step forward, two steps back.

slow down before i lose sight of you.

the surface is a long way above you when you're buried too deep. what do you do next? sink or swim?

somewhere over the rainbow.

someday i'll wish upon a star
wake up where the clouds are far behind me
where trouble melts like lemon drops
high above the chimney top
that's where you'll find me


way too many what if's for one night.

the river runs deep.

a couple of nights ago when i was finding it harder than ever to hold back the tears, my mom called me and we ended up chatting till 3am.

it reminded me of the days when i used to talk on the phone into the late hours, burying my face into the pillow so my voice wouldn't travel across the sleeping household and into my parents' bedroom. they were usually meaningless, "i miss you and i can't sleep without hearing your voice" conversations with ex-boyfriends... i can't imagine how much the phone bills must have costed, but i'm sure they weren't a pretty figure.

it had been a long time since i was this honest with my mom. it brought about the same kind of warmth that i used to feel as a kid, when i would crawl into her lap and rest my head against her belly, inhaling the familiar scent of the lavender nightie that she loved wearing.

that night, i fell asleep with a heart so full and heavy with love that it could have exploded into a supernova.

for that brief moment, my world & everything in it was just perfect.



fridays always have a way of bringing out the naughty side in me.

i picked up a suit jacket and a pair of Marc Jacobs on sale today. not a big deal, but trust me when i say that the accumulated amount that i've spent this week alone is enough to have me surviving on just water for the next few months.

in my defense, i was in need of work outfits and suit jackets that don't drown my entire frame are hard to come by. throw in a pair of pants and a new bag, and i'm set to work my ass off for that much needed paycheck.

until then, the shoe department will strictly be a non-accessible zone. if only it were easier done than said...

divided we stand, united we fall.

i need to do this on my own.

i need to stop listening to the voices that are constantly drowning me, to learn to tune out the speculations and judgments that others keep trying to shove down my throat, to not lose sight of my perspective and what i really want/need out of this.

but i know that despite all my efforts to be independent, i still need as much help as i can get to manage through this without losing my sanity... or myself.



there's only so much i can do to ease the situation and while i don't think i've done everything under the sun, all my efforts so far have been nothing but genuine.

to you, i am indifferent... but that doesn't mean i don't care.

i'm not as heartless as you think (yes, what a shocker). as sticky as this situation is, i opted not to bail my sorry ass out but to actually stick around long enough to clean up after my mess.

it's too easy to make accusations and compile a list of catastrophes & bad events you'd like to wish upon someone who has done you wrong in so many ways, one too many times... but putting yourself in someone else's shoes is almost always the unachievable task to master.

we're living in a self-destructive environment and we're both looking for a way out because we can't go on like this forever... the question is, how do we break out of the invisible ball and chain that bind us together?

it takes time to heal. we can either pick at each other's wounds or learn to live without this animosity.

what's it gonna be when the coin lands? heads or tails?

ashes to ashes...

one, two, three.

it slipped out of her fingers before she could think twice.


do not unearth what has been buried.


she watched, her gaze steady, as the flames teasingly licked the sides of the photograph before engulfing it whole.

"what are your thoughts?"

if only she knew.


her raging heart had caught fire.

the flames danced away while the world went up in smoke.

happiness is...

finding a pair of shoes with a further 75% off the marked price.

original price: $119.95
reduced to: $79.00
further 75% off: $19.75

welcome to your new home, my darlings.

momentary revelations.

here's an interesting update: i've just slathered a second layer of Palmer's Natural Bronze on myself and i'm sitting here in the buff, waiting for my skin to absorb the lotion.

i don't understand half the things women do to beautify themselves. for whose sake? at whose expense?

i feel like i've stopped making sense a long time ago.



dreams are like butterflies that flit around you in a hypnotizing swirl of colors while you stand amidst it all, net in hand, not knowing which one to chase.

it's a bitch when you don't know what you're looking to find.

thought of the day.

when i grow up, i want to be Blair Waldorf.

the majority of items on my spring/summer '08 shopping list consists of shoes.

i blame the sudden intensity of my footwear fetish on Jenn - the woman adores her shoes as much as i worship my makeup shrine. maybe 'obsessed' would be a far more suitable adjective.



what is it about pretty shoes?

it is a certain kind of thrill that your average male will never comprehend:


the intricate & delicate adornments and embellishments

the intoxicating scent of new, unworn leather

the shivers that shoot through your spine as you slip your feet into a brand new pair, untouched and unworn... very much like a virgin, when you think about it

the way your legs instantly look longer, slimmer, sexier

the quickening of your pulse as you exchange money for the beautiful babies that you know, without a flicker of doubt, will take precedence over the 130919 pairs you already own (until next week's shopping spree, anyway)



like eating and sleeping, walking is part of our everyday lives. we might as well do it in style.

BLOODY EFFING HELL.

the day i wore my new gladiator sandals out just also had to be the day i fell in them.

in front of a group of construction workers

AND a large crowd of afternoon shoppers

AND i was in a skirt.


so... terribly... mortifying!!! could the floor just open up and swallow me whole, please.

baby steps.

i got through the first round!

apparently they thought my answers were good and that i carried myself confidently. i have a second interview lined up next week although the time is yet to be confirmed. dare i say, things are starting to look up... or maybe i'm just getting ahead of myself here.

i was due in for an interview with another company this morning but after doing some online research, i decided that the job they had offered me did not coincide with my expectations and what i am looking for. i try to read these reviews with a pinch of salt but when there is a relatively high number of angry ex-employees painting a negative picture of what the company culture was like, you sort of get the idea... and it isn't a good one.

if it's anything like my previous job, then i'm out. i'm not cut out for that kind of career.

kamsa hamnida!

things went well today... i don't want to delve too much into it because i'm afraid of jinxing it. i'm not really superstitious, just cautious about counting my chickens before they hatch.

hope for the best, expect the worst - that's how it's always been.

maybe things will be different this time. then again, maybe not.



today, a random white guy came up to me and started speaking in korean.

i looked at him with one cocked eyebrow. "excuse me?"

he mumbled an apology and started to head off when i said, "i'm not korean, but that's some nice effort. it would make a great pickup line on the right person."

he replied rather bashfully, "you just look like one of those pretty korean girls... and i couldn't help but say hi."

fair enough, i thought. i've been constantly asked if i am vietnamese (WRONG), japanese (WRONG) or filipina (WRONG AGAIN). i suppose i'll take korean too... just make sure you pile on the kimchi, thanks.



i ate too much and now my tum tum hurts.

i won't tell 'em your name.

scars are souvenirs you never lose
the past is never far
did you lose yourself somewhere out there
did you get to be a star
and don't it make you sad to know that life
is more than who we are

18.

Kim's bday @ Eve last night

big sis Jenn & i played chaperones to the 18 year olds - not that they needed it, really. apart from a few getting bounced out for not behaving appropriately (in other words, drunk and falling all over the place), everyone was happy to drink and dance the night away.




this morning i woke up feeling like i had one too many drinks

i haven't done this in awhile

it feels AWESOME.

city girl.

i think there is a belle de jour hidden inside every one of us wanting to come out & play...

sometimes a little coaxing is all it takes.



on another note, i heart sydney.

i've never had a doubt that i love melbourne and all that it has to offer, but living in the same city for 5 consecutive years can sometimes wear you out. hence, a breath of fresh air every now & then is always greatly appreciated.

and what better way is there than soaking in the sights & sounds right in the heart of sydney city!

i only wish i could have stayed a little longer... but that would be overkill, and that just wouldn't do.



some people love the suburban peace and quiet.

i, on the other hand, love nothing more than the traffic chaos of the city, the frenzied lifestyle, the vibrant nightlife. i love being surrounded by people, tourists and locals alike. i love watching the corporate clones walking steadily and briskly along the offices in their neatly-pressed suits, styrofoam coffee cup in hand. i love the sounds of chatter and laughter that stream out of jam-packed bars on a friday evening. i love it all and more.

there's something quite devastatingly beautiful about the loneliness that comes with living in a busy city.

it was really nothing.

i'm waking up at the start of the end of the world
but it's feeling just like every other morning before
now i wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone

i believe it all is coming to an end
oh well i guess we're gonna pretend
let's see how far we've come

well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you

square one.

starting over isn't always easy.

but sometimes along the way, just when you'd thought you've hit an all-time low, there will be an unexpected turn when someone actually says or does all the right things.

and that alone is enough to make you smile, no matter how shitty you're feeling inside.


when you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.


here's to a brand new month, a brand new season and a brand new start for you, me & everyone who needs it.