don't speak.

why are we still talking about this?

it happened months ago - yes, i was wrong. yes, i was sorry. maybe i didn't try hard enough, maybe i didn't fight for you.

i don't want to talk about a chapter of my life that i'm trying to close... but we can't move on if you keep opening up one can of worms after another. this merry-go-round is making me feel sick and i want to get off.

you gotta let it go, buddy. please - we both need you to.

you & me, not us.

exclusivity is a dirty word.

just because one of my ex-boyfriends has tied the knot and has his wedding photos splashed all over Facebook doesn't mean i wish i could be in her place. to say it frankly, i am happy where i am... and i don't need a rock on my finger, or even a man in my life, to make me feel any more complete. not now, at least.

i am happy where we are. please don't send me running.

why ruin a good thing?

dirty little secret.

that's the way i like it so please don't mess it up.

what's really sad is that underneath it all, i'm just a superficial bitch like any other.


i hate it when girls behave like stupid cunts to one another.

this game that we play.

it's been the best weekend i've had in awhile.

relax;
hugs & cuddles;
good night sleep tight;
Subway steak & cheese;
kisses on the forehead;
kisses on the lips;
foot tickles;
True Blood;
cake & ice cream;
kiss me you spaz;
room service;
licky licky lovebites;
things that go bump in the night;
goodbye, see you later;
hold my hand;
fitting together.

thank you for all of this.


maybe i could
maybe i should

take a chance on you.

it just keeps getting better.

hello, december - what do you have in store for us?

the world could use a break right now. the Mumbai massacre may be over but the chaos and mayhem are still very much present. lives were lost, souls were shattered... yet people will continue killing people, because this is how the world we live in works.

yet we can't give up on faith in humanity. there's too much at stake.


we're all addicted to our tragedy
i guess it's what it had to be.


i really, really wanna do this.

the more i keep telling myself i can, the more i start believing it.


you make my heart pitter patter.

:)

on my own.

i'm doing fine.

i get lonely sometimes... then again, we all do. i just need to find ways to occupy myself, and everything is swell. the nights aren't too bad - falling asleep from exhaustion doesn't give me too much of an opportunity to think.

i need just a little bit more... maybe.

how are you doing?

they call this isolation.

the Suzuki Night Market is on tonight at Queen Victoria Market! i can hear the music from my apartment and, judging from the crowd turnout which i am getting a clear view of from the balcony, it looks pretty fun.

i should be out there.


but here i am, sitting in the silence of my room with only my thoughts to keep me company.

how did you switch off so suddenly?

what do you know?


what hurts the most
was being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away.

zhong yu kan kai ai hui bu lai

so over it.

sir, that attitude has got to go.

it was cool once, it was cute once, now it's just getting old.

i believe in looking for the best in people, but sometimes i can't help but wonder where they leave their brains.


so you sailed away
into a grey sky morning


i don't know if i'll be lonely when you're gone.

cold as ice.

i can't help but feel that there's something missing here.

how do you let go of the one thing that you were once so completely sure of?

living has never looked so good.

we've got to hold on to what we've got.

appreciate all that is in your possession; always be grateful and have a positive outlook.

there is too much time and energy wasted on negativity - learn to live without it.

have all the fun you want, but don't forget that reality check every now and then.

this is the life of our times.



i can't quite get my head around the fact that 'meh' has officially earned a place in the Collins English Dictionary.

it's just like, whatever. so... yeah.

what we cherish & protect.

it's like what i said before -

the world may be burning down to the ground
everything we knew and loved may be going up in smoke

but to live for this one moment which precedes time, space & logic,
impenetrable by all that surrounds us

it comes as a rare commodity these days
and it brings with it a certain feeling that has been unearthed for too long

and that itself, is worth existing for.

got rice?

Soph; says:
ALLAN WU

Soph; says:
le sigh

Soph; says:
I want to eat ice cream off his abs


amen to that, sista. azn pride represent, yo.

grave news.

from the will of Bali bomber Imam Samudra:

"Isn't it Allah who has ordered us to kill them all, just like they have killed us and our family? Have a desire to become the slaughterer of kaffir people. Educate your children and grandchildren to become terrorists and slaughterers of all Kaffir (non Muslim) people."

how messed up is that.

i wonder what these people are smoking.

back to basics.

sometimes my mind draws a complete blank. other times it runs wild with a myriad of thoughts, strewn all over the place that it's hard to hold on to even one.

and then, there are moments when i am filled to the brim with ideas and inspiration... yet my ability to string together a sentence with even the simplest words, fails me.

let's strip ourselves bare of complexities.

leave the jargon at the door.

basic is the new black.

how to change the world 101.

it's like a dream come true, isn't it.

even watching the joyous reaction of non-Americans all over the world gives me goosebumps. it is that amazing, the fact that it has such a tremendous effect on so many people from different ends of the globe.

as S puts it, this sole figure has the ability to restore our faith and belief that every little miracle may eventually lead to something revolutionary - and that is the closest i will ever get to making a religious statement!

i am so scared for Obama and his family's life and safety. some people are just insane beyond human comprehension. i really hope those white supremacist shitheads don't get to him, both literally and figuratively. these people need to be securely locked up away from society.

just a little sidetrack - why aren't the Bali bombers executed yet? my apologies if that sounded harsh, but they don't feel the slightest remorse for their actions and they will always believe till their last dying breath, that what they did was for the greater good - so why should we waste our mercy and sympathy on them? why should they deserve to be pardoned? can anyone forgive them for all the grief and pain that they have caused?

back on the topic of Obama, i truly hope that he manages to deliver the promises that he has made, since it is only human nature to point an accusatory finger at the first trivial sign of incompetence or failure while the bigger picture is often neglected. the world will always be waiting with bated breath for his next move.

let's see those changes happen. or better yet, let's MAKE them happen.

all eyes on america.

America Decides 2008 has definitely been history in the making.

i've always thought of politics as a filthy word, but i'm all for change and Barack Obama's victory is just that. charisma and looks aside, i really hope that his administration will bring significant developments to the country's social and economic turmoil.

to celebrate Obama's win i have painted my nails in OPI Yes...I Can-can! from the France collection - it's not exactly his famous mantra that we've all come to know and chant, but it's close enough.

i know, i'm such a dork.

is it weird that i felt a twinge of sympathy for McCain during his concession speech?

tumbling thoughts.

what are you gonna do when the fog clears?

what are you gonna do then?


i don't know if i'm ready for this,
i don't know if i'm ready for you.

the best thing.

the start of a new month... already? sometimes i feel like the year has barely kicked off.


i'm back from my 3-day conference at Couran Cove off the Gold Coast. it was lots of fun - i met lots of people (welcome to the world of socializing and networking, baby!), the food & drinks were great (the fact that they were on the tab made it even better), sailing was heaps of fun and we had sunny blue skies all around.

it's funny how some of the more interesting conversations i had were with men twice my age. i like listening to life stories and they like telling them. with our age gap we could have passed off as father & daughter, but as we laughed and drank the night away i found myself wanting to know more about what they knew, and i digested all this information with an earnest thirst to see, to watch, to learn.

iPhones, Blackberries, Burberry polos, trips to Europe and Asia, family sedans with baby car seats securely fastened in the back, spending time with the wives & kids - these were some of the things that made up their lifestyle. not really a far cry from the narcissism and self-absorption of Gen Y, when you think about it... although i suspect they might have managed to weed out the detrimental aspects of living in a technology-dependent, wealth-obsessed, image-conscious era.


reality bites. sometimes it gives gentle nibbles and sometimes, when you're extremely well-behaved, it might even give you a playful lick - but mess with it too much and it might chew your arm right off.

we takin' over, one city at a time.

i love sydney.


wait, did i say that right?

I LOOOOOOVE SYDNEY - much better!



tomorrow i am off to brisbane for the rest of the week.

here's to booze, sailing (yeah dude, for reals) & sunshine! who says you can't have fun on the job?

it's all about the yin & yang.

these days it's difficult for me to read the news without feeling sad, agitated or pissed off - sometimes even all at once. we've come a long way since the Stone Ages yet the stupidity of modern mankind never fails to astound me.

the top 3 blood-boiling headlines in the past week are articles in relation to -

* ignorant people - not because they are that way, but because they choose to be.
* animal cruelty - assholes who torture and mutilate a defenseless puppy should receive more than just a hefty fine and x amount of jailtime. after all, it is the Golden Rule to do unto others as you would have others do unto you; let's see this in practice when carrying out the sentences of these heartless killers.
* murder of innocents - let's face it, this happens everyday... but when a toddler is put into a dryer, spun on a clothesline and kicked in the head by her own mother, you have to wonder what this world is coming to.


having said that, i believe it is important to keep abreast of the current happenings in the world because shunning it would be equivalent to a life in denial. with good news the bad must also follow, for one cannot exist without the other.

it's all quite simple, really. humans are capable of anything, from crazy inventions that were once thought impossible to the destruction of the world and life itself. the world's smartest scientists are scrambling over the discovery of a life-prolonging elixir, yet there will always be deranged people who continue to rob others of their mortality.

is there a cure for inhumanity?

what if the world stopped caring?

tease me, then miss me.

oops...

i never meant for it to come this far.



let's hit erase/rewind and start from the beginning.

maybe i would've done it differently. then again, maybe not.

timeout.

the weekend brings a certain kind of inner tranquility that is otherwise rare to find amidst the hustle and bustle of a long, activity-filled week.

it feels good to be able to kick off my heels at the end of the week and indulge in quality "me" time. in the past hour, i've given myself a face mask, painted my nails, downloaded the latest Gossip Girl episode and caught up on some blog reading.

later i will take a shower, wash the dishes and do the laundry. i might even find the time to head out for a quick spot of shopping or to just bask in the beautifully warm weather.

i need a break; it's all too much for me to handle.

wow.

mindblowing.


what's right from wrong & wrong from right?
hellos & goodbyes and everything in between
only in the end do we know what it was all worth
reminders of then & now, which one to let go of?
everything has its place in time... and maybe someday we'll know.

and maybe,

instead of looking around you, you need to start looking within yourself.

and maybe,
you'll find that the one thing you're really running from is what's looking back at you in the mirror.


there's something about emotional loneliness that can't be filled.

awake & dreaming.

i'm not the brightest tool in the shed when it comes to shares & stock markets, however in keeping up with the latest news i have become all too aware of the current financial crisis that the world is in.

the share markets keep plummeting while people's fears are continuously elevated.

in the US, a man driven to despair shot his wife and kids before pulling the trigger on himself.

we all hate to think that money makes the world go round, but here is the cold hard truth staring at us in the face.

my day, in a nutshell.

panic: massive traffic congestion on Collins St during peak hour, causing all trams to come to a complete standstill for the looongest time.

relief: my work laptop & mobile phone finally arrived! it's about time... that sudoku puzzle was starting to do my head in.

worry: that inevitable impending shithole that i'm bound to fall into within a matter of time.

confidence: Body Combat. AWESOME.

longing: training for Les Mills - could i? should i?

amusement: my mom asking me (via text message!) for my review on Stila's Convertible Color because she's on a hunt for a cream blush.

contentment: 3 words - Kensington Pride mangoes. never has a fruit brought me this much happiness to my life. they are the anti-bane to my existence.

day one.

first day on the new job and i'm liking it so far.

the people are nice, which is a huge relief since i was starting to get pretty anxious about having to work with people i don't get along with. the office is relatively small, which means that everyone listens in on your phone conversations. and having me on board brings the tally of females in the office up to... 3. the testosterone in the air is so thick, you could grab it by the balls (pun intended).

commuting is quite a pain but that's just me nitpicking.

anyway, i spent my first day sitting around and pretending attempting to read up on the company profile with great interest, when in actual fact my wavering concentration couldn't do much to keep me from falling into mini sleeps (4-5 second naps) every now and then.

note to self: pasta lunches are to be avoided at all costs.



if i was a flower growing wild & free
all i'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.


i like this song; it keeps me smiling through the bleaker moments.

& the world keeps spinning.

my thoughts on Gossip Girl S02E05:

i love Blair Waldorf. she may be a conniving, judgmental, insecure, manipulative bitch... but that doesn't make her any less than 100 kinds of awesomeness. the girl is so hot, she'd freeze hell over with her mere presence.

Chuck's attempted conversation with his dad over the phone (my fave scene!) brought out a vulnerable side of him that i'm dying to see more of. that sneer he does can only be described in 2 words: tres sexy.

i usually like Serena but i found her really irksome in this episode. maybe it's just my biased opinion getting in the way here, since i'm on Team Waldorf through and through.

Dan is snoozeworthy. give me the 90210 boys any day - i'd take them all to Walmart... in a figurative sense, of course ;)



one step forward, two steps back.

slow down before i lose sight of you.

the surface is a long way above you when you're buried too deep. what do you do next? sink or swim?

somewhere over the rainbow.

someday i'll wish upon a star
wake up where the clouds are far behind me
where trouble melts like lemon drops
high above the chimney top
that's where you'll find me


way too many what if's for one night.

the river runs deep.

a couple of nights ago when i was finding it harder than ever to hold back the tears, my mom called me and we ended up chatting till 3am.

it reminded me of the days when i used to talk on the phone into the late hours, burying my face into the pillow so my voice wouldn't travel across the sleeping household and into my parents' bedroom. they were usually meaningless, "i miss you and i can't sleep without hearing your voice" conversations with ex-boyfriends... i can't imagine how much the phone bills must have costed, but i'm sure they weren't a pretty figure.

it had been a long time since i was this honest with my mom. it brought about the same kind of warmth that i used to feel as a kid, when i would crawl into her lap and rest my head against her belly, inhaling the familiar scent of the lavender nightie that she loved wearing.

that night, i fell asleep with a heart so full and heavy with love that it could have exploded into a supernova.

for that brief moment, my world & everything in it was just perfect.



fridays always have a way of bringing out the naughty side in me.

i picked up a suit jacket and a pair of Marc Jacobs on sale today. not a big deal, but trust me when i say that the accumulated amount that i've spent this week alone is enough to have me surviving on just water for the next few months.

in my defense, i was in need of work outfits and suit jackets that don't drown my entire frame are hard to come by. throw in a pair of pants and a new bag, and i'm set to work my ass off for that much needed paycheck.

until then, the shoe department will strictly be a non-accessible zone. if only it were easier done than said...

divided we stand, united we fall.

i need to do this on my own.

i need to stop listening to the voices that are constantly drowning me, to learn to tune out the speculations and judgments that others keep trying to shove down my throat, to not lose sight of my perspective and what i really want/need out of this.

but i know that despite all my efforts to be independent, i still need as much help as i can get to manage through this without losing my sanity... or myself.



there's only so much i can do to ease the situation and while i don't think i've done everything under the sun, all my efforts so far have been nothing but genuine.

to you, i am indifferent... but that doesn't mean i don't care.

i'm not as heartless as you think (yes, what a shocker). as sticky as this situation is, i opted not to bail my sorry ass out but to actually stick around long enough to clean up after my mess.

it's too easy to make accusations and compile a list of catastrophes & bad events you'd like to wish upon someone who has done you wrong in so many ways, one too many times... but putting yourself in someone else's shoes is almost always the unachievable task to master.

we're living in a self-destructive environment and we're both looking for a way out because we can't go on like this forever... the question is, how do we break out of the invisible ball and chain that bind us together?

it takes time to heal. we can either pick at each other's wounds or learn to live without this animosity.

what's it gonna be when the coin lands? heads or tails?

ashes to ashes...

one, two, three.

it slipped out of her fingers before she could think twice.


do not unearth what has been buried.


she watched, her gaze steady, as the flames teasingly licked the sides of the photograph before engulfing it whole.

"what are your thoughts?"

if only she knew.


her raging heart had caught fire.

the flames danced away while the world went up in smoke.

happiness is...

finding a pair of shoes with a further 75% off the marked price.

original price: $119.95
reduced to: $79.00
further 75% off: $19.75

welcome to your new home, my darlings.

momentary revelations.

here's an interesting update: i've just slathered a second layer of Palmer's Natural Bronze on myself and i'm sitting here in the buff, waiting for my skin to absorb the lotion.

i don't understand half the things women do to beautify themselves. for whose sake? at whose expense?

i feel like i've stopped making sense a long time ago.



dreams are like butterflies that flit around you in a hypnotizing swirl of colors while you stand amidst it all, net in hand, not knowing which one to chase.

it's a bitch when you don't know what you're looking to find.

thought of the day.

when i grow up, i want to be Blair Waldorf.

the majority of items on my spring/summer '08 shopping list consists of shoes.

i blame the sudden intensity of my footwear fetish on Jenn - the woman adores her shoes as much as i worship my makeup shrine. maybe 'obsessed' would be a far more suitable adjective.



what is it about pretty shoes?

it is a certain kind of thrill that your average male will never comprehend:


the intricate & delicate adornments and embellishments

the intoxicating scent of new, unworn leather

the shivers that shoot through your spine as you slip your feet into a brand new pair, untouched and unworn... very much like a virgin, when you think about it

the way your legs instantly look longer, slimmer, sexier

the quickening of your pulse as you exchange money for the beautiful babies that you know, without a flicker of doubt, will take precedence over the 130919 pairs you already own (until next week's shopping spree, anyway)



like eating and sleeping, walking is part of our everyday lives. we might as well do it in style.

BLOODY EFFING HELL.

the day i wore my new gladiator sandals out just also had to be the day i fell in them.

in front of a group of construction workers

AND a large crowd of afternoon shoppers

AND i was in a skirt.


so... terribly... mortifying!!! could the floor just open up and swallow me whole, please.

baby steps.

i got through the first round!

apparently they thought my answers were good and that i carried myself confidently. i have a second interview lined up next week although the time is yet to be confirmed. dare i say, things are starting to look up... or maybe i'm just getting ahead of myself here.

i was due in for an interview with another company this morning but after doing some online research, i decided that the job they had offered me did not coincide with my expectations and what i am looking for. i try to read these reviews with a pinch of salt but when there is a relatively high number of angry ex-employees painting a negative picture of what the company culture was like, you sort of get the idea... and it isn't a good one.

if it's anything like my previous job, then i'm out. i'm not cut out for that kind of career.

kamsa hamnida!

things went well today... i don't want to delve too much into it because i'm afraid of jinxing it. i'm not really superstitious, just cautious about counting my chickens before they hatch.

hope for the best, expect the worst - that's how it's always been.

maybe things will be different this time. then again, maybe not.



today, a random white guy came up to me and started speaking in korean.

i looked at him with one cocked eyebrow. "excuse me?"

he mumbled an apology and started to head off when i said, "i'm not korean, but that's some nice effort. it would make a great pickup line on the right person."

he replied rather bashfully, "you just look like one of those pretty korean girls... and i couldn't help but say hi."

fair enough, i thought. i've been constantly asked if i am vietnamese (WRONG), japanese (WRONG) or filipina (WRONG AGAIN). i suppose i'll take korean too... just make sure you pile on the kimchi, thanks.



i ate too much and now my tum tum hurts.

i won't tell 'em your name.

scars are souvenirs you never lose
the past is never far
did you lose yourself somewhere out there
did you get to be a star
and don't it make you sad to know that life
is more than who we are

18.

Kim's bday @ Eve last night

big sis Jenn & i played chaperones to the 18 year olds - not that they needed it, really. apart from a few getting bounced out for not behaving appropriately (in other words, drunk and falling all over the place), everyone was happy to drink and dance the night away.




this morning i woke up feeling like i had one too many drinks

i haven't done this in awhile

it feels AWESOME.

city girl.

i think there is a belle de jour hidden inside every one of us wanting to come out & play...

sometimes a little coaxing is all it takes.



on another note, i heart sydney.

i've never had a doubt that i love melbourne and all that it has to offer, but living in the same city for 5 consecutive years can sometimes wear you out. hence, a breath of fresh air every now & then is always greatly appreciated.

and what better way is there than soaking in the sights & sounds right in the heart of sydney city!

i only wish i could have stayed a little longer... but that would be overkill, and that just wouldn't do.



some people love the suburban peace and quiet.

i, on the other hand, love nothing more than the traffic chaos of the city, the frenzied lifestyle, the vibrant nightlife. i love being surrounded by people, tourists and locals alike. i love watching the corporate clones walking steadily and briskly along the offices in their neatly-pressed suits, styrofoam coffee cup in hand. i love the sounds of chatter and laughter that stream out of jam-packed bars on a friday evening. i love it all and more.

there's something quite devastatingly beautiful about the loneliness that comes with living in a busy city.

it was really nothing.

i'm waking up at the start of the end of the world
but it's feeling just like every other morning before
now i wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone

i believe it all is coming to an end
oh well i guess we're gonna pretend
let's see how far we've come

well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you

square one.

starting over isn't always easy.

but sometimes along the way, just when you'd thought you've hit an all-time low, there will be an unexpected turn when someone actually says or does all the right things.

and that alone is enough to make you smile, no matter how shitty you're feeling inside.


when you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.


here's to a brand new month, a brand new season and a brand new start for you, me & everyone who needs it.

sunny skies.

despite the cold & rain that melbourne has been having lately, we're actually experiencing some pretty decent weather today. i was outdoors for less than an hour but the soft warmth of the sun on my skin brings a certain kind of joy like no other.

i can't wait till it's officially spring.

the beauty of poetry.

when i was younger i had a book of classic poetry that i would eagerly read from front cover to back, sometimes even reciting them aloud... and this was how my appreciation for poetry developed and grew. i enjoyed every poem and story we discussed in English Lit at school although most, if not all, of my classmates hated and dreaded the subject. i even tried my hand at composing poems, often surfing the internet for inspiration and to share my works with others.

obviously i wasn't Shakespeare or Wordsworth material, or i would be effortlessly spewing out proses and sonnets to this day.

somewhere along the way, my ability to put thoughts & emotions into words has failed me.

i never knew it was disposable.



i carry your heart with me by ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)



all that is gold does not glitter by jrr tolkien

all that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost;
the old that is strong does not wither,
deep roots are not reached by the frost.
from the ashes a fire shall be woken,
a light from the shadows shall spring;
renewed shall be blade that was broken,
the crownless again shall be king.



dreams by langston hughes

hold fast to dreams
for if dreams die
life is a broken-winged bird
that cannot fly.
hold fast to dreams
for when dreams go
life is a barren field
frozen with snow.

what if?

tell me, did you sail across the sun
did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
and that heaven is overrated

tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
one without a permanent scar
and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there


sometimes we have to give up the things we've taken for granted all along.

whether it's closet space in exchange for a studio apartment the size of a shoebox
or someone you love(d) in exchange for a life of loneliness

there are always sacrifices to be made.

these things never come easy.

and most of the time we never know if it's worth it. there's always a possibility that we'll end up happier... and more often than not, there's a chance that we'll wake up one morning with the realization that we are worse off than we have ever been.

curiosity did kill the cat after all... but let's see what it does for me.

lost.

there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a bit of you laced with my doubt
it's still a little harder to say what's going on


i (still) don't know what to do.

all eyes on China.

20 minutes till the Beijing Olympics closing ceremony!

i'm not from China nor do i speak the language
i don't know jack shit about the country's history
and i don't practice most of the customs and traditions

in fact, apart from my appearance, the only true relation i have to my native country is my love for Chinese food.

but seeing how far the country has come and knowing it will further amaze us in the future,
watching the athletes give it their all and crying with pride & joy when they succeed,
puffing up with pride while watching the cultural performances in the opening ceremony,

i can say without a doubt that i've never been prouder in my entire life to be Chinese.

when all is said & done.

maybe i'm too tired to try anymore
maybe i can't grow the hell up
maybe i don't understand why
maybe i'm not responsible nor sensible
maybe i'm lazy beyond belief
maybe i'm too dependent on you
maybe i dream too much and do too little
maybe i'm not that kind of girl
maybe i've disappointed you one too many times

but thank you for loving me all the same.

all i ever wanted was to make you proud of me.

you said you always were, but it's not enough. it never is.

left in the dark.

you're not the only one who's confused.

i, too, am caught up in this battle with my head and my heart, of what's wrong and right - and try as i may, i can't seem to sort out this raging turmoil of emotions to figure out what i really feel about all of this.

i'm just messed up like that, you see.

i didn't mean to make things so hard for you.

i wish we could be completely honest and sit down for an open conversation. coward that i am like the Lion who lacks courage, i cannot bring myself to look you in the eye while we slowly break each other's hearts and spirits. i hope that someday you will reflect upon this and understand; you were all i ever needed and yet that wasn't enough for us to survive the drought of what this has become.

when it rains, it pours.

it's been raining all week.

and the storm that's destroying what's left of you & me won't be receding anytime soon.

o hai - the welkum entry.

hot, strong & bitter - no sugar, thanks.

& that's how i like my coffee.